Fatherhood Without Brit Mila

My wife is pregnant. This is great, because it means I get to be responsible for making sure whatever comes out of there doesn’t kill itself accidentally. From what I hear, babies put everything in their mouths for the evolutionarily advantageous reason that if you put everything in your mouth all the time, you’ll every so often find something that is actually food and slowly but surely, you’ll figure out exactly which things kill you instantly if inserted into the mouth, like bleach; and which things taste good, like antifreeze.

Parenthood is designed to speed up this trial and error process dramatically, so the baby immediately learns not to eat bleach even before the baby even gets to try it. Fortunately, this is how I was raised, and ever since I was born I’ve never tried to consume any bleach. My parents raised me right.

Among the many precautions I will have to make as a fatherhood-infested person are that I will no longer be able to squirt ant killer around my house anymore. The ant killer is very sweet, and the baby may put it in its mouth, which will make the ants very angry, which is the last thing I want. So I’m going to have to live with the ants since I can’t kill them. I’ll just have to leave that to the baby, who will probably put them in its mouth, which makes ant killer obsolete anyway, which is why I’m completely OK with being a parent. At least the ant-related part of my life will remain status quo.

We went for an ultrasound a few weeks ago and we wanted to know the gender, so the doctor looked around on the ultrasound blob monitor, and using the trained technique of GBI (gender blob identification), was obviously looking around for some specific thing and couldn’t find it, so he told us it was a girl. This means I won’t have to do a brit milah. Just a baby naming. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, baby namings are a lot less surgical. On the other hand, a brit milah involves a lot more food, providing a golden opportunity for a new father to teach his son what should be put in your mouth, which could save him a lot of future trouble with nearly killing himself, since he’ll be trained by day 8.

That, and you get to use a cool brit milah pillow. At least that won’t kill you if you put it in your mouth.