Passover Cleaning

Once a year, Jews around the world participate in the ritual of giving their houses the equivalent of a full body cavity search. They’ll have you think that they do it because the Torah commands them to get rid of chametz on Passover or something like that, but the real reason is that they’ve lost so many things that by the time Passover rolls around, they have to cannibalize their socks because they’ve completely run out of matching pairs, steal underwear from their wives since theirs ran away with the socks, and hide from the local locksmith after the latest check bounced because he’s spent so much money copying keys that he has to declare bankruptcy and he’s made enough copies to feed a small army, assuming that army eats keys. Which of course it does.

So, with one long black dress sock and one short pink sock with tutu trimming and the latest in Victoria’s Secret Female underbritches, the Jew proceeds to turn his house into what resembles a UN sponsored refugee camp, except slightly messier. What he finds defies science fiction and becomes Lord of the Rings-like fantasy. The first place he goes is the fridge, to find all the articles of food that have been left in the back of the vegetable drawer for decades, and reaches back to clean them out. This is usually very healthy because by the time he reaches back there they have usually evolved into several previously undiscovered strands of antibiotic mold that is immediately sent to the nearest hospital for study. This is why Jews are generally so advanced in medicine.

However, if Passover cleaning is not done every year, the mess may further evolve into mega-intelligent telepathic nebula developed beyond the need for an organic body. These cause minor infections.

I will never forget one Passover cleaning session in Miami Beach when I was 8, while my parents were cleaning out the bottom of the fridge with an ice pick because the freezer had leaked into the fridge in a mystical Vulcan like attempt to meld with it and inside one of the blocks of ice stuck to the bottom they found a woolly mammoth. I’m joking. But they did find a slice of watermelon that was so vibrant with undiscovered strands of neon fluorescent variegated antibiotic mold that I had only then, at the tender age of 8, discovered the very form of Platonic beauty and cured several previously lethal bacterial infections.

Another place you can go is your family room wall unit, where all the Judaica you’ve used the past year has sat, including your lulav and etrog from last year you forgot to throw out. The cool thing about the etrog is that it never rots, and just turns into a hard mummified version of itself that never decomposes, like a styrofoam burger box.

Skipping most details, when you finish with the whole thing, you finally open up your Passover section, take out your Passover Haggadahs, Passover Seder Plate, whip out the matzah cover and discover that you still have leftover matzah in there from the Cold War era. You bite into it to see if it’s still good and develop a serious life-threatening infection. It’s no problem though because you’ve got your moldy neon fluorescent watermelon antidote. So you’ll be fine.